I don’t want to keep trying to make a change in the world and tell people to love themselves when I don’t even love myself and have not changed myself. I have so much I’m trying to do, so many things I want people to see. I want others to see the halo I have or what I see when I see myself. Then I begin to wonder why some days I don’t see myself. One day Im super woman, Im GODS Angel and the next day… I don’t even know who I am. I want to learn how to love, I want to teach the world how to love, I want everyone to love each other. Thats what my heart feels. But I have learned that there is a way it can be done. You cannot save everybody. You can’t especially save people when you.
I’m tired. Physically I’m tired but mentally I’m even more tired. I feel myself burning out. I WANT TO BE THE BEST. The best version of me I can be. I try to be good at all things. Realizing that its ok to be good at some things. It does not make you less. I try to control every aspect of my life, friends and family. Thinking I always have to be in control. I’m tired because I put the problems of others on my plate too much. Simply tired because I have this voice in me filled with anger and hate. I want to defeat the negative space that I have in my mind that tells me that no cares, the no one cares what you have to say, no one cares how hard you work, no one cares what you want to be, thats if you’re going to be anything. NO ONE CARES. Im tired of feeling wrong for having feelings, or always wrong for not being perfect for other people. I’ve heard I’m tired because I put the problems of others on my plate too much. Well I can’t help it.
Vulnerability is strength, love is not weakness.
When you’re working hard doing things for yourself no safety nets no back up plans the worst thing you fear to be is vulnerable. Vulnerability is my biggest fear. Love is my biggest fear. I think being vulnerable is to allow people to come in and hurt you once you put your guard down and then assume the worst and just stay away. Now that isn’t really super woman of me. Scared of a little pain. Of a little hurt. If I don’t take the time to self love myself I will always have a wall built up. Learned that the hard way!
I always say when you have a pure soul that allows you to see the best in everyone and never hold grudges or never do anything out of spite or anger you have to be careful. I do believe you always have to keep that spirit tho. Being childlike is what I call it. Then, I have to take myself out of a space where I am constantly trying to compete with the next person. No one in the world is like me. They do not have my drive, vision, or work ethic. I am learning that I do not have to be superwoman for them I have to be superwoman for me. My life is not the best but it is not all bad. I can wake up everyday and can do anything I want to or go anywhere I want. Listen you are truly bound by nothing.
I have so many people in my ear trying to change every aspect of who I am. “Why do you talk like that”, “you not hood enough”, “you not proper enough”, “you not working hard enough”, “you work too much”, “you are a bitch”, “you are too nice”, “look at the mole”, “you’re lazy”, “that career doesn’t make any money”, “I’ll help you”, “wow I thought you were strong enough to do it on your own”, “you’re so smart”, “you’re so dumb”.
Isn’t it so funny how the harsh words cut so much deeper than the compliments, but the compliments never seem genuine anyways so neither matter much. I see the best in everybody but I see the worst in them to. So imagine being me. Trying to figure out who I am and trying to please everyone in the process. But no more.